


Man behind the Captain

by Fabulatio



Series: The Monster Within [1]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, Canon, Canon Compliant, Feelings, M/M, Season/Series 02 Spoilers, What is going through Flint's head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 06:37:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7211888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabulatio/pseuds/Fabulatio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“My concern with you is over that which cannot be known. That thing which arises in you when passions are aroused…good sense escapes you. All men have it. But yours…yours is different. Darker. Wilder. I imagine it’s what makes you so effective as an officer. But when exposed to extremes I could not imagine what it is capable of. And of greater concern, I’m not sure you do either.”  - Admiral Hennessey</p><p>Captain Flint tries to get a hold of his feelings about Miranda, Billy and most of all - himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> The story follows the plot of the first season, and it probably doesn't make any sense, if you don't remember what happens in the show. Includes spoilers from season two! 
> 
> This is totally my headcanon of what Flint must be thinking.

”Who’s Billy?” 

It hadn’t even crossed James’ mind that Gates would send the young Boatswain with him to meet Mr. Guthrie. Of course he knew who Billy was. The man had gained quite a reputation for himself among the pirates despite his young age and relatively short time at the Walrus. Billy had been with the crew for few years now and James had definitely noticed him. Who wouldn’t? He was skillful sailor and terrifying pirate when needed. The whole crew liked, trusted and most of all, valued Billy. 

It pained James how much Billy reminded him about Thomas – just the physical resemblance was striking. Billy was tall and blond with beautiful keen blue eyes. James knew that the resemblance went beyond physical attributes, which had been the main reason he had kept himself away from Billy. He couldn’t handle any more sorrow and pain the memories brought with them. James thought about Thomas every day. Every day for ten years he had blamed himself for what happened to him. Every day James thought how he should have fought for Thomas. Nassau and Miranda were all James had left – the only things connecting him to Thomas. 

And now here he was, on a small skiff with the one crew member who he didn’t trust himself with. James had played the role of Captain Flint for ten years now and had grown accustomed to it. Being Flint actually helped dealing with the feelings still raw in his heart. Flint was like a comforting mask. No one could get close to Flint and therefore no one could ever hurt him the way England had hurt James McGraw. Behind Flint James was safe. 

But when James looked at Billy he had trouble holding on to Flint. Those big blue eyes and the soft tone of his voice were almost too much to bear. Standing close to Billy reminded James how it felt to be in Thomas’ embrace. What it felt to look upwards to those eyes filled with empathy and purity. James tried desperately to focus on the prize, what he was trying to accomplish in Nassau and keep up the facade of Captain Flint. James knew he had probably gone too far with declaring himself as king but there was something in Billy that made him act against his better judgement. For some reason he needed Billy to believe in him.


	2. II

James couldn’t believe the risk he had taken handing the blank paper to Billy. What had made him trust his life in Billy’s hands? Who the fuck was Billy? And why the fuck had Billy lied for him? He had after all pulled a weapon on James two times in the last 24 hours. James couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Billy had actually lied to save his life – and for what? For a share of the prize, which was at that moment out of their reach?

Billy wasn’t the kind of pirate who only cared about gold, rum and whores. He had been in a terrible condition, almost half dead when James had found him locked up in the English ship. Billy had been young. Younger than any of other crew members had been when they had chosen the life of piracy. But he hadn’t had a choice, not really. The crew was Billy’s family now and Billy was loyal to it. So why had he lied? James couldn’t figure it out. Billy was a complete mystery to him. 

The day had been long and the deep wound from the fight with Singleton had started to ache again. The bandage James had tied to himself had dried sticking to his skin and the wound making it hard for him to move. His hands were swollen and his head was killing him. James could still taste his own blood in his mouth. Now that the adrenaline from the chase was fading and the cook securely with Billy, James could feel his legs giving in. James slumped to Miranda’s threshold and let go of Flint for the night. He was exhausted, bleeding and still thinking of Billy.


	3. III

In the morning James’ wounds still hurt nor was his head any clearer, still throbbing. His hands were numb, swollen and raw. The situation being what it was, James couldn’t do anything with the fact that Billy was now an integral part of his plan. He could no longer avoid the man so he would have to think of some other way to keep the memories and past feelings away. It had turned out that Billy was even cleverer than James had thought and to make things worse for him, Billy had the audacity to question his decisions. Billy was challenging James like Thomas had done. James was quietly thankful for Gates for cutting Billy short this time. 

Billy was slowly occupying James’ mind, he couldn’t keep the thoughts away any longer. The plan for self-governing Nassau was on its way and James felt like it could actually happen. He might actually be able to execute Thomas’ plan. The thought made him feel happier he’d felt in years. 

As James thought about Thomas and their plan, the one that had ended with Thomas in Bethlam and James as a feared pirate captain, he couldn’t help but to think about Billy as well. The more James spent time with the younger man the more fascinating he became. James hadn’t been with a man since they’d left London. He had given all of him to Thomas and loved him with every fiber of his body. James hadn’t even thought about men in years, a fact he was now realizing himself. 

His spirits lifted because of the Urca, James found himself staring at Billy’s strong arms and flexing muscles.


	4. IV

The plan was now in place. James had two ships and crews. Gates had finally agreed to captain the consort. James couldn’t think of a better captain to aid him with his mission. Surely Gates had a point when he suggested Vane as the captain, but James couldn’t feel sorry about the way things had turned out. There was something about Vane that troubled him - In addition to the fact that the man was violent, hot-headed and unbelievably stubborn. Gates on the other hand was one of the two people James trusted. Gates was a complete opposite of James, a fact he knew and appreciated. With Gates he could let go of Flint and just have drink, a nice conversation and even laugh from time to time. The cook, he was something completely different. James didn’t know what to think of him. Something about the man got his guard up and he couldn’t wait to get rid of him.

All in all James was in good spirits when he arrived at the house that night. He had been able to shake Billy out of his mind and was looking forward to spending some time alone with Miranda. The house seemed quiet and empty as James entered the front door. He could see a dim light coming from the guest room. As he opened the door he could hear Miranda read Marcus Aurelius to Richard fucking Guthrie. His heart sank as the memory of Thomas and their former life flooded his whole body. He could feel the rage boiling in him. The words stuck to his throat. Instead he only met Miranda’s gaze and turned away as Miranda followed him to the bedroom.

As James laid on the bed with Miranda’s naked body covering his, he could feel her tears rolling against his shoulder. He knew Miranda hated living there. There was so much she had been forced to leave behind. James blamed himself for her misery, even though it was Miranda who had kept him from saving Thomas. James felt that their predicament was all due to his bad temper and pride. If he hadn’t lost his temper that night at the Hamilton’s, if he just could have kept silent, none of it this would ever had happened. But Lord Hamilton had gotten under his skin and now here they were. Former lovers sharing a bed, both yearning for something else.


	5. V.

James found himself watching Billy address the crew. It had been a week since the crew had unanimously chosen Billy to be the first mate while Gates served as captain. James couldn’t help but marvel at how easy it all was to Billy. Billy had even almost convinced the crew to forget about the fuck-tent, which was unheard of. Billy had yielded in the end and the whores had found their way to the beach. James hadn’t noticed Billy visiting the tent, not that he was keeping score. But he couldn’t help himself, over and over again James found himself in a position where he could watch Billy at work.

Silver, which had turned out to be the name of the lying weasel of a cook, kept trying to start a conversation with James. Silver didn’t strike him as a man who would have chosen a life at the sea and he definitely was not a cook. Why he had been on the ship in the first place was a mystery to James, but he had no time, nor no interest for that matter, to dwell on that. James had to admit though, that the man was exceptionally perceptive and openly opportunistic – a truly terrifying and dangerous combination if there ever was one.

So when Silver came up to James wanting to talk about Billy his heart jumped. The day had been exceptionally hot and Billy had been working with his shirt of. Which James had noticed all too well. He couldn’t help but to think about Billy’s body glistening with sweat in the sunlight. James had never seen a body like that before, all tall and lean with strong muscles all over. James had seen many times what that body was capable in a fight. He could only imagine what else it could be put to do. It took all the willpower James had to pull himself out of his thoughts and pull back on the mask of Captain Flint. Silver finding out about James simply was not an option. James could not give Silver any leverage over him.


	6. VI.

While chasing the Andromache James finally had a moment alone with Billy. James needed to know what Billy thought about him. Silver’s words were still haunting him and although he wanted to believe that Silver was wrong about Billy, he needed to be sure. Billy seemed to be all about honesty and that was something James wanted in his life after having lived in a lie for so many years. 

James couldn’t help but to savor the short moments he had with the man. Their talks reminded him about the ones he had had with Thomas all those years ago. How Thomas had challenged him and how he had questioned Thomas’ plans and sometimes naive ideologies. Billy made the memories bittersweet. James hadn’t had a worthy adversary since then. As much as James appreciated Gates, he could never be that to him, not like Thomas had been – or as it seemed, Billy possibly could. James loved how Billy didn’t buy everything he said. James welcomed that.

While talking to Billy James could feel like himself again. He didn’t need to act or pretend to be anything else. He loved that feeling. It wasn’t the same with Miranda. Even after all these years James still felt inferior to her. The rules of society still haunting him. James noticed himself closing in on Billy as he desperately tried to get the man to understand the choices he had made. James realized that he was inappropriately close and Billy had not pulled back. 

“Who’s Mrs. Barlow?” Billy’s question felt like a slap against James’ face. After stalling a little he told Billy as much of the truth as possible and he knew that Billy was having none of it. It was like Billy could see right through Flint. James felt relieved when the call for sails came – he wasn’t prepared for having that conversation, not yet.


	7. VII.

Boarding the Andromache had been relatively easy, which made James suspicious. His feelings were validated when a man appeared below the deck with a message from Captain Bryson – all they had to do was wait for the Scarborough to find them. James felt his anger rising. He had always had trouble holding his temper. Once again he had been betrayed and men had died because of that. He needed those guns and was determined to get them. There were still few hours until sunrise and he was not going to let anyone waste a minute of the little time he had left.

They had tried numerous different ways of getting to the gun-deck and had lost more men in the process. James was struggling with his anger and frustration – everything was going wrong. Hours were passing while the Scarborough got closer and closer and they had made no advancements with the guns. They were trying yet another plan, which this time meant men dangling on the side of the ship. It was a foolish plan, James knew it. But it was the only one they hadn’t tried.

James didn’t know what to think when Billy didn’t back him up against Logan. Just a few hours ago he had saved James’ life once again, but now James could see that something had changed with the man. Morley’s death had had an impact on him, but there was something else bothering him. Something in the way Billy looked at James had changed. It troubled James more than he cared to admit.

James hated that there was something going on that he was not aware of. All the things didn’t add up: Bryson leaving with the guns, him knowing about the Scarborough and the sudden change in Billy’s attitude. James had heard Billy having a heated discussion with Gates, something about a letter. No doubt that letter had something to do with the change in Billy and James needed to know what it was. But before James could get the answers he needed, Billy was gone. He had reached Billy's hand but he couldn’t save him – or he hadn’t. He wanted to turn back, stop to look for Billy but James knew Gates was right. There was nothing he could do.


	8. VIII.

James felt abandoned by the world. It seemed like there was nothing but pain and emptiness left. Just a few days ago he had believed that what he and Thomas had dreamed together was actually possible. He had felt hopeful and happy, or happier he had been in years. He had been such a fool. Because of Flint he had lost Billy to the sea, Gates to his lies and now he had lost Miranda as well. The only ones in his corner were a young woman, barely half his age, and a lying cook.

The worst part of it all was that James could no longer tell where he ended and Captain Flint begun. The past had caught up with the present when Gates had confronted James about what happened while chasing the Andromache. What hurt James the most was to hear Gates tell him, that Billy had thought they were all expendables to him. And how Gates thought it plausible that he could have caused Billy to fall overboard. This wasn’t something Captain Flint could fight, lie, shout or manipulate himself out of. James needed Gates because he needed the crew. James understood then that he had been wrong to trust the man – or he had been wrong not to trust him with the whole story. 

It dawned on James how the social norms he had been so accustomed to in his former life now nearly destroyed him again. In London the only thing that mattered was how people perceived you. The public image was everything. But here, among the pirates, it was not enough. The captain of a pirate ship needed his crew to trust in him and to believe that he was the best captain for them. And that took more than just a feared reputation among the merchants. Or maybe it was enough when all you wanted was to capture ships for profit, but it no longer sufficed for James’ purposes.


	9. IX.

James kept repeating the confrontation he had had with Miranda in his head. He had always thought Miranda had understood what they had with Thomas, why he was doing all of this. “What does it matter now?” she’d said. Had Miranda forgotten the pain in Thomas’ eyes, how he had had to disguise himself, to be someone else entirely, just because he had loved another man? And now, to go to Boston like none of it had ever happened? Of course it was easier for her, at worst she would only have a questionable reputation. But for James – he would have to admit that he was wrong, that he was the monster England had made him out to be. That it was wrong for him to have loved Thomas. 

And now Gates was calling him mad and telling that he was abandoning James. Gates had told the crew everything. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He plead Gates but the man was having none of it. James could feel his anger and desperation getting the best of him. All of the anger that had brooded in his chest for ten years finally got out as he jumped on Gates. At the moment he heard Gates’ neck break James could no longer lie to himself: he was Captain Flint, they were the same.

“This ends when I grant them my forgiveness.” Those were the last words James had said to Miranda. And now as he saw the Man-of-war open its gun ports he knew that his former life had caught up with him. He had fought ten years for the memory of his love and now the fight had come to an end. He would die as a failed pirate at sea. He would die as a man who failed to fight for those he loved the most. The only solace he had was the thought of seeing Thomas again. But even that was only a fleeting glimmer of hope, because he was surely going to hell. James could feel the sea taking him. He welcomed it. He could no longer see or hear the havoc he himself had caused to the crew. He had tried and failed, but at least he now would have peace. No one could take that away from him – not even England.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thoughts and feelings of the Captain will continue. This was just season 1. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this as much as I loved to write this.


End file.
